Have you ever thought, “What is it about me that pisses people off when I walk in a room?” You couldn’t understand why strangers would feel justified to walk up to you with ridiculous requests and attitudes, when you hadn’t said a word to them. I’ve always chalked it up to them being haters. I had no idea I created my own environment and invited into it what I mirrored. I had become my worst enemy. I was the hater.
Now that I am in my winter years, retired, I have time to lose my “Monkey Mind”. I don’t mean this literally – though sometimes I have gone there too. What I didn’t realize was that I was calling all this negativity into my experience. My way of being, attracted negative responses, even my very presence seemed to piss people off. It wasn’t always this way, I learned to be angry, afraid, distrusting, opinionated and a few other things I had conditioned into my repertoire of attributes. It didn’t happen over night, it took years.
There were so many ways I could have evolved into a more graceful and balanced senior, but ” I didn’t have time” – at least that’s what I told myself. I didn’t have time, “because I had to work and take care of my two sons”. I didn’t have time, “because I was too busy trying to buy a house for my family”. I didn’t have time because I was having too much fun”. I took short cuts. I never once thought I didn’t have time not to think about my soul. I neglected those things that would have made everything else so much simpler. I neglected my inner space. It wasn’t that I didn’t know God or think I did. Or that I wasn’t a “Christian”. I just didn’t know who I was. I never “had time” to look at myself, deep into myself, and see who I was. I looked for God out there, instead of in me.
I hope you take this journey with me and we will both see where it takes us.