Have you ever wondered, “What is it about me that pisses people off when I walk in a room?” I couldn’t understand why strangers would feel justified to walk up to me with ridiculous requests and attitudes, when I hadn’t said a word to them. I always chalked it up to them being haters. I had no idea I created my own environment and invited into it what I mirrored. I had become my worst enemy. I was the hater.
Now that I am in my winter years, retired, I have time to lose my “Monkey Mind”. I don’t mean this literally – though sometimes I have gone there too. What I didn’t realize was that I was calling all this negativity into my experience. My way of being, attracted negative responses, even my very presence seemed to piss people off. It wasn’t always this way, I learned to be angry, afraid, distrusting, opinionated and a few other things I had conditioned into my repertoire of attributes. It didn’t happen over night, it took years.
There were so many ways I could have evolved into a more graceful and balanced senior, but ” I didn’t have time” – at least that’s what I told myself. I didn’t have time, “because I had to work and take care of my two sons”. I didn’t have time, “because I was too busy trying to buy a house for my family”. I didn’t have time because I was having too much fun”. I took short cuts. I never once thought I didn’t have time ‘not’ to think about my soul. I neglected those things that would have made everything else so much simpler. I neglected my inner space. It wasn’t that I didn’t know God or think I did. Or that I wasn’t a “Christian”. I just didn’t know who I was. I never “had time” to look at myself, deep into myself, and see who I was. I looked for God out there, instead of in me.
One of my sons said to me one day, “Mama, just let it go, stop looking for confrontation”. I was cut so deeply by his words, I felt them all the way into my inner being. I thought all this time I had tried to avoid drama, and here my son was telling me, he saw me as “looking for confrontation”. What I hadn’t had time for was to see my behavior as others saw it. I thought I had been a responsible mother taking care of and protecting her family – while others saw me as a bully looking for a fight. I was devastated and finally at the end of my rope. I was a good person, sometimes I even saw myself as “Spiritual” – but a Bully! I had to do something about the grating I sometimes felt in my solar plexus that I always thought was just my being bothered by something distasteful happening. I had no idea it was my inner Spirit trying to wake me up to what was not natural to my real state of being. I was my own dis-ease, and I would have to be my own cure.
I began to search for a Spiritual teacher, and now they are all over the place, but you have to be careful. There are so many shysters out there who just want to take your money and leave you and your pockets empty. Just as everything else in your life should be, this search should be taken very seriously. Even more seriously because it is something that will completely change you, not just the direction your life is going in. Since this is a Spiritual Journey, you need to let your Spirit be your guide. Use your “intuition” to chose your teacher because your head has no idea what it is you need.
When I found Tom, I simply told him exactly what I felt at the deepest level of my heart, and his response to me answered every question I had posed. I was on my way. I had been a Church member, but that finally didn’t quite satisfy my longing for a truth that I felt was eluding me. I would go to church, but there was always something missing. How could I sustain the peace and wholeness I would experience, but that faded after a few hours or days later. As a new Christian, I had experienced an awesome conversion. I wanted that again, and I wanted it to last.
12/21/13 MY Spiritual Journey
This is the first day of my Spiritual Journey. My Spiritual Guide is Tom. I have attempted to live in a Spiritually aware way so many times before with little or no success. Its not that I try to live a perfect life- but that I have tried to keep my thoughts from overtaking what I know to be a better choice.
To be persistent is the key to being successful in any endeavor. For some reason the inner war seems to be the most difficult to overcome for most people, or so I’ve heard. The habit of responding to every situation in a negative manner, only gets the same negative result. I can’t scream it away, or cry it away because thats only reinforcing the situation.
I don’t know about you, but my old beliefs and fears have always overtaken my common sense and emotions. It seems it takes some serious event to cause us to take a closer look at how we conduct our lives. This time I have no choice, I feel worn out. I’m sure its because of my neglecting my inner space. But if you have ever felt at the end of your rope, well that’s how I felt.
Just knowing there is someone, personally walking with me gives me courage to face what I have missed. And the insights of others who are more aware can point you in the right direction. So, thanks to Tom who reminds me that I am more powerful than I think.
I wrote a letter to Tom.
Dear Tom, your introduction letter said everything I needed to hear. I read and reread it to be reassured how much I need this Spiritual Journey. It’s not that I haven’t had several experiences in life that spoke to my inner being, I just never held onto the truth I knew. I want to start over from the beginning, to be a completely empty vessel and say yes to the Universe, a constant yes. I am retired and at this time in my life, I recognize so many failures and regrets that I must let go of to be whole. I have been alienated from so many people because of my “dis-ease” that I am literally worn out. I’ve been like the ‘Grinch’ with a heart two sizes too small. I don’t know when it happened, one day I was just this person. I have been completely disappointed about the religious leaders I’ve followed and the doctrine I was taught was the ‘Way’. I am at the bottom of my emotional, spiritual, and physical endurance. I just want to say yes to who I really am, and allow myself to live fully. I know what it feels like to walk in harmony with the universe and I chose to live that life of synchronicity and love.
12/22/13. Spiritual Journey/Day 2
I am so glad I began to follow my inner voice. Today was a day of meditation and contemplation. Quieting my mind has allowed me to observe my ego trying to bombard my thoughts with negativity. Old habits trying to reintroduce themselves, but I am learning to allow the thought to happen without participating. I find when I do this, the thought just gives up and leaves.
12/23/13. My Spiritual Journey/Day 3
God, thank you for leading me to this new beginning. Somehow today I feel lighter than yesterday, but still actively determined to keep this quiet mind. I’m learning to be an observer and not a denier. I am determined to live a life free from fear, negative opinions, and disconnected from my source. Meditation is helping me keep my focus on my Spiritual Journey and not forgetting what’s important.
I don’t know how many times I have said to others, ” you create the universe you want to live in”. When I said this, I really believed it for them, but my actions didn’t conform to what I said for my own life. I was still fearful, and disappointed with the person I was showing to the world. There was nothing in my everyday life that said I was qualified to tell others how powerful they were. I needed to go deeper to find the power to do what I said I believed. My Spiritual coach is leading me back through what I already know and the prayers I now pray are directed to my intention to become the Spiritual being I know I am at this deeper level.
While meditating on this third day of my Spiritual journey, I realize what I know about being a Spititual being has not been trusted enough. I have seen the world and the universe as being hostile to me, so I’ve been afraid to trust others to have my best interest at heart. I never thought I had anything of value to offer, so I believed no one else thought I did either. Though I went through the motions of a spiritual person, being in touch with my own Spiritual nature was not my motivation, except for a few times that I can remember. Even those times were not a deliberate intention, but a kind of absent mindedness that allowed me to wake up at that moment of my life. I have been more reactionary than purposefully directing my intention on becoming a Spiritual Being guided by my own Spiritual Essence. This one thing changes the way I look at what has happened and what is happening in the universe around me. This is the world that I have created. Could it be that what I saw as hostile was only my perception of what I expected from others?
12/24/13. My Spiritual Journey/ day 4
My path is clearer than ever before. My intention is focused on discovering my true nature and living a purposeful life through the prism of my true spiritual nature.
I am discovering that the issue has not been about anyone other than me. I realize my mind has been dragging my True Nature through the mine field of negativity for years. Even when I tried to live a “Christian” life it was impossible to continue without failing to reach the goal I believed was required of me.
The fear of committing sins that would send me to “hell” was overwhelming and I had become more and more restricted in what I allowed and tolerated. I became a fanatic not only with my own life but with the life of others. I became controlling in the attempt to keep everyone on the straight and narrow, totally oblivious of my own lack of unconditional love and peace. I no longer felt “saved” or safe because fear had replaced the faith I once declared. Not only was I disappointed in myself, but in those who were suppose to be my teachers. Finally seeing this for myself has been liberating in so many ways.
I no longer had the desire to continue attending church or fellowshipping with those who, I felt, had become unkind and sometimes mean. Even after separating myself from various religious churches, the fear and distrust only was reinforced by what I attributed to the “evil” I had been taught was in the world. Not realizing I alone had the power to create my universe and change the way my mind interpreted experiences. In my mind I had been bombarded with bad experiences. I hadn’t realized before this, that I felt so beaten down and disappointed because of my own fears.
My new insights took the first four days of my journey. I look forward to see what other revelations I will discover as I continue on my spiritual journey toward my truth.
12/25/13 My Spiritual Journey/ day 5
I awoke this morning more determined than ever to pursue the discovery of my true being with all the deliberateness I was capable of. It has become easier to access the stillness within now. Even in the middle of a busy day, I have been able to pray without ceasing by just turning inward and being thankful. The pressure to hold some specific stance or use many words of petition is no longer necessary. The only thing I desire is to stay on this Spiritual path. I know this will be a lifetime endeavor that will lead me into a fulfilled life at peace with my world.
Though I’ve read my teachers writings over and over, today I just realized my habit of fear and anger has been due to conditioning. I was in a vicious cycle of behavior and karma. I was sowing and reaping those things I feared the most. I had created the thing I most feared and I am determined to change the course my life has been taking. I am choosing to believe in unconditional love and watch what happens.
Deliberate intention and focused effort is my path to realize my true destiny and live a life of love and peace – Free of fear, conditioning, selfconciousness and ego.
12/26/13 My Spiritual Journey/day 6
Today I tested my resolve to commit to being present, aware and focused on my journey. I can say that I have definitely attained more control of my thoughts and how they play with my emotions. I have become a watcher over my thoughts and decided to only observe them, not participate in any of the ego’s deception and delusion. I had no idea how much I had allowed my thoughts to control my mood and dis-ease. Now that I am consciously paying attention to my noisy mind, I am able to bring it under my control instead of “believing the hype”. I decided to only allow thoughts that I choose to enter my mind and I can see how much this effort is resulting in a lighter heart, a quieter mind and drawing me closer to my destination. I no longer resist the thoughts, I just observe them knowing they are not me. I know I am only at the first seconds of my journey but I am amazed at how much further along I am in my resolve.
Every step I take allows the releasing of old habits that kept my Spirit disquieted. My true nature is becoming more my reality. I know I have a way to go, but my journey is becoming lighter and more natural as I go. I am love, I am peace and my true essence is unconditioned and free.
12/27/13 My Spiritual Journey/ day 7
Releasing guilt, unforgiveness, and anger will stop fear. Fear can paralyze our ability to realize our true nature of peace, faith and love.
Toms says, “What we resist, persists”. So, I will no longer resist fearful thoughts and situations, but I will replace them with truth and love. I have Faith in my ability to reach the destination I intend to fervently pursue. My true nature will not be subject to my imagination or false illusions my mind may try and convince me are real. I have the nature of God. That nature is my natural state of being. I have power over my mind to bring it under control of my unconditioned loving nature. My true nature is perfect and lacks nothing. I am present in this moment. It is always now.
12/28/13 My Spiritual Journey/day 8
Tom says, “The moment you change your belief, everything changes”. The truth I decided to believe in has changed the way I see the world around me. I have finally understood what makes me happy and at peace in my life. I see how my life is a reflection of everything I believe in my heart and I can chose to change what is not love, peace and any conditioning into what is love, peace and unconditioned. I have the ability and power to create my universe into what my true natural being requires. I have the nature of God.
12/29/13 My Spiritual Journey/day 9
I now meditate every morning to still my mind. This helps keep my true nature open and my intention focused. It is becoming my new way of being. I know there will be possible challenges, but I have overcome those already. My peace is growing along with my unconditional love for others. It is the life I desire to bring wholeness into the world.
To walk in the light and have an expectation to see ourselves evolving into the Spiritual beings we are intended to be, is my prayer. To love without measure or reservation and accept one another just as we are, is our goal. To share what we have been given freely and give joyfully without seeking anything in return. To keep our hearts open to possibilities. To hold our pure intention on being our true Spiritual Nature that is God.
12/30/13 My Spiritual Journey/day 10
Though I have spoken about my desire to live without fear and anger, I knew I needed to also add un-forgiveness to that list. With all the conditioning I felt had led me to this point of desperation, I hadn’t dealt with the reason for the pain i believed others had caused me over the years. I had just put it out of my mind, somewhere it could be forgotten. I pretended none of it had happened. I was this strong women, raising two boys and supporting my mother. I needed to move forward not look back. I held all of it in until I was still enough for it to resurface. Now I needed to recognize that none of it was who I am. It had been much easier to bury it than to forgive and let go of it. I am using my Spiritual journey to let it go and forgive it all.
1/1/2014 My Spiritual Journey/day 12
Forgiveness is sometimes hard for me. I have carried a lot of pain for things I felt had been done to me in the past. Things that have been buried so deep, that I am just now able to speak of them. I had to speak of them to move forward in my Spiritual healing. My journey can’t continue with un-forgiveness in my heart.
1/2/2014 My Spiritual Journey/day 13
To day I am working on the conditioning I respond to sub-consciously. In my experience, I have been “afraid” to succeed because of the fear of failing. Of course this doesn’t make any sense. But for as long as I remember, my thought was that I had nothing anyone wanted. Of course that wasn’t true either. But this was what my mind told me was true, and so I acted this out in my life. I didn’t try, because of the fear of failing. I had been rejected before, so I thought I would be rejected again.. Now as I think about these things, it is clear to me I was the creator of these illusions that were really non-existent.
1/4/14 My Spiritual Journey/day 16
When I live consciously, I have so much more peace. I am able to think more clearly and calmly about anything that comes my way. We have no idea how confusing and loud the world can be and how oblivious we are to that noise. My heart rate responds immediately to my new pace as if I’ve been medicated, and yet this new way of being feels like the most natural thing I’ve ever done. I am no longer medicated, now I am meditated and that is so much better.
1/5/2014 Spiritual Journey/day 17
As I read the last lesson from Tom, I realized I have spent my entire life believing nothing I did or had was good enough. I can not remember where or why this idea was adopted by my unconscious mind, but I see now this one idea has affected everything I have experienced in my life. I have attributed this opinion to almost everyone I have ever encountered in one way or another. Somewhere in my life I was given the idea I wasn’t good enough and I treated everyone as if this was their opinion of me as well. Consequently, I have been told by others that I was a snob, boujoi , arrogant, and aloof. It was as if I wanted to do it to them before, they did it to me. I had no idea this was my persona, until I began this journey. I was in so much pain myself, I didn’t recognize the pain I might have been causing others.
I recognize so many things that I understood before are now changing their meaning to me. The “straight path” now means, my intention, focus, and effort to realize my natural state of being. “A Single eye”, now means to stay focused on my destination of reaching my Spiritual essence. Even the inner war that Paul spoke of in the Bible, now means the resistance my Ego and mind are displaying as I become more consistent in my Spiritual Journey.
I can see and feel more clearly now, the difference between my “suffering” state of being and my natural “peaceful” state of being. The difference to me is palpable. I am so grateful that the Universe has chosen this time to bring me back to my natural essence of being. I really was at the end of my rope. Maybe that is how we all find the inner space-we have nowhere else to go but inward.
It’s not that there are no more challenges in my journey. In fact, I recently found myself saying something I no longer believe is true. But I recognized it as one of the things that had kept me in bondage to my delusional thinking. I no longer believe in differences in people, but my mind told me I needed to have more interaction with people who look more like me. What does that mean? I believe this is how we stay divided. We have no idea how truly connected we are as spirits being human. There are no “people who look more alike” than others. It is our perception that has created this delusion that keeps us apart.
I know my journey is just beginning, and I have forever to go. That thought is so reassuring to me. To know this is who I will be for the rest of my life. Someone who matters because I will allow my true essence to enter this world and bless everyone who encounters it. The more light we bring into the world adds to the light of others already awake in it. Our ability to bring the Kingdom of God into this realm has to make a great deal of difference to every sentient being. I believe that is why we are here.
I hope all who read this will join me on a journey of their own. You will never be the same.
Your Fellow Traveler,
OUR ETERNAL TRUTH
We are more alike than we are different. We breathe the same air, and constantly exchange electrons in our daily discourse. But at a much deeper level, we are the same being connected by the golden thread that is unbreakable. Nothing can disconnect, destroy, change, or remake this truth. It is an eternal truth that is forever our destiny. When all else is over and done, we Spiritual beings of love and light will be One. So you might as well learn to start loving me now, because we will spend eternity united. This knowledge is what can change the world.
I wrote this a few weeks ago after beginning my Spiritual Journey. Though there are so many ways to search for your true being, I discovered each way is your choice. There is no right or wrong way – there is only the way you choose. I would only say the sooner you begin, the more meaningful your life will be.
We all feel there is something bigger than us in the Universe. Some of us have no idea why we are here. We know something is going on, we just have no idea what that something is. We live day to day going through the motions of surviving with our routine unchanged and uninspired. We have no idea there is anything that can lift us out of the daily “grind”. Some of us have no job or hope of finding one. We think our life is hopeless and no one cares whether we live or die. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter where in life we live, there is no difference in the ‘inner beings’ we are. We all are depending on one another to reach for the highest Spiritual level we can attain that will lift us all because of the connectedness we all share. This is true whether we know it or not. Truth is just true, it doesn’t change because we don’t believe it. It just isn’t true to you. Whoever reaches for it will find it, whether they believe it or not.
Something’s are eternal truths. They aren’t changed by obsolescence or destruction. They can’t be destroyed because they are eternal. We are some of these eternal things. We can’t be destroyed at the level of truth that we are. Our bodies can be destroyed, but our bodies are not us. Have you ever read, “Things that are seen are temporal, but things that are not seen are eternal?” If you haven’t read it for yourself, you have heard someone quote it from the Bible. Some of us may have thought that meant the material things we use, but within that material world are our physical bodies. However, our inner being is who we really are, and cannot be seen but is eternal and indestructible.
Losing your mind can be a good thing. The truth is the constant noise that fills our mind with what we think are our ideas and thoughts, is really a greedy ego that refuses to give up its control over our lives. What we think we want and have to have, is really our ego establishing itself in a false since of control. The guaranteed happiness it promises is not real, because nothing outside of our true identity is real. We are programmed by our ego to be in constant want, thinking the next thing we possess will satisfy us, but it never will. Even the love our ego tells us is real is a temporary substitute for who we really are.
We all are on the same journey toward our true North, our core being. It is not hidden from us. It is what we know is missing, at a deeper level of consciousness. We feel unsatisfied and try to fill that missing something with things that will never be able to fulfill us. The rich are richer than they have ever been, but still are not satisfied. The depraved are creating more and more ways to experience yet another tantalizing thrill, but none of it touches what they really need. What can bring us into balance?
The Spiritual awakening is happening now on an exponential level. When it reaches its critical mass, it will explode into the consciousness of our collective being and bring the balance we so desperately need. If we silence our “monkey mind”, we will see that this is true. The answers to the needs we are looking to fulfill are already present within us. This is what our egos never want us to discover. The ego is fighting for its life at the expense of us finding ours. We are not our mind. We are not our ego. We are something far greater and vast than either of these. When we lose our mind, we find ourselves.
I was just reading Jeff Moore’s Blog, on Empowerment and realized that what I want and intend to press toward for 2014 is this journey. I didn’t think about the new year when I started, just that I needed to take this direction to find my life. How can you go somewhere unless you know where you are? Acknowledging that I was this person who had lost my way and had no idea where I was, opened a path for me to take. A path that would take me from here to where I most needed to go – my true core being and the love that I and the world needed. We are not just on this journey for ourselves, this journey is for the world. We can’t afford to be selfish any longer about elevating our sense of reality because a ” high tide lifts all boats”. Since we are a collective consciousness, when one of us rises, we all rise.
Looking back at the past only brings regret and to some torment, looking to the future only brings anxiety and fear. In both cases we end up suffering in some way. It is only this moment that we can know our highest Bliss. We can be at our highest point right here and right now. My highest point is realizing “God in me, my hope of Glory”. How can there be anything higher than that? To know my true state of being, my true identity at my very core is to know God in me. We look for and search for something bigger than ourselves, when what we really seek is our own God-self at this deeper level. This truth is awesome and attainable. It is not out of our reach. In fact, it is the only destination that is our ultimate reason for existing. We will know this one way or another. So, why not seek our highest and best now? Because ‘Now’ is all we really have. This moment. My intention is to be my highest self in this moment. Now. I will not give this moment to the past or to the future, it is too precious. Everything I AM is in this moment. I am at my best, Now.
NOW THAT IT IS CALLED TODAY
What would we do if this was the last day of our life? What would be the ultimate act we might consider? There may be so many things we intended to do – the ultimate bucket list, but what would we do?
When I think about this question, I think about my children and family. All the things I want to say to them, all the things I want to do for them. None of which will matter when we get to this question. We are all stumped at the enormousness of it. We will only know what we will do at that moment. That is why every moment should be lived as though this was our last. It puts everything in perspective. We have choices now. There will come a day when the choices we make now will be evident in our outcomes later.
Who knew in the middle of this Spiritual Journey the challenges would come with a fury. I know for sure, my ability to deal with these kinds of challenges has been exponentially increased because of this path I have chosen. My peace has been constant and the love I now have at this moment would have been non-evident a few months ago. I didn’t remember I had it in me. When we allow ourselves to forget who we are, we fall into an unconscious state. By some “miracle” what I have awakened to is exactly what we all have needed.
I realize a desire to remember our true nature is not just happening for a single person, but for all of us collectively. We have recognized the suffering has been because of the ignorance about who we really are. The light is still brightening, and there is still a long way to go, but our intention will manifest what we are choosing to experience. My focus is still toward my center. As the Awakened beings God intends us all to be, we can live out our true lives in this material world successfully.
I can see how pregnant this moment is with acts that can heal someone’s heart or mind. How ready the innermost soul of each of us is to receive truth, that will take us out of the darkness we have created for ourselves. However, I also see how strongly the “ego” clings to our mind with thoughts that constantly bombard us with false information that keeps us from realizing how powerful we really are. The only way out of this “monkey mind” is to be completely committed to heal ourselves individually. We have everything we need to take back our minds. We have the ability to stop the insatiable mind chatter and the illusions it creates. We have the power to choose our thoughts, simply by staying awake and observing them.
We look to find ourselves in everything and everywhere we think we may be. We will never find ourselves outside of ourselves. Nothing defines us, nothing reflects who we are outside of the universe that we share. We only see ourselves in each other. Each of us needs to be awakened to the truth of our Devine nature. The nature of God that is who we are, will heal every dis-ease we have; when we allow ourselves to begin to live our lives through its prism.
“What we seek and try to find has been with us all the time. It’s not out there to buy or win it’s simply buried deep within.” Alethea
Some say we need to peel the layers of our illusion away like an onion, but what is left after that is nothing. I think it’s really more like an Artichoke that when it is peeled, reveals the heart. And along the way to the heart, we get tiny glimpses of what it tastes and looks like. We are searching for our heart, the true core of who we are.
We are here. At this moment. What will we do? What do we want? It’s the most important moment we will ever have. What is the most important thing, the main thing? I want my faith to be so sure that it is more than I can imagine, it is the unimaginable possibilities. I want the love I am capable of to be a love that is beyond words and all encompassing. I want that being who is my ultimate self to be so big it completely enfolds this person until she disappears. At this moment, my desire overwhelms me. It is too big to contain in this earthen vessel, so I go deeper into my self and find the inner space that is unmeasurable. There is where “I live and move and have my being.” It is my “God-Space”. The space we all share, whether we are aware of it or not. It is the one thing, the only thing that matters. It is waking us now to its presence. If we quiet our minds long enough, we will hear it. Wake up!
I have discovered endless possibilities exist about who we can choose to be. How we choose to live. Not that we NEED anything outside of our TRUE SELF, but we can choose to experience the many possibilities that exist on so many different planes and parallel universes that have been created by the SOURCE. SPIRIT has opened up so many possibilities in our lives, we can chose to live out any one of them or we can chose to integrate them all into who we are. We can choose.